Astounding Revelations

I just got a copy of a transcribed meeing between from the producer of the television "religious drama" Revelations and the directors, dated Nov. 4, 2004:

PRODUCER: The network boys say that people in the audience want "values."

DIRECTOR: "Values"? What kind of "values"?

PRODUCER: They didn't say. They thought I'd know what they were talking about and they were in no mood to explain. Something about the election.

DIRECTOR: Republican values?

PRODUCER: Nah. That can't be it. Religious values. That's what it was. Christian values.

DIRECTOR: Christian values? You mean like handling snakes and killing abortionists?

PRODUCER: No. Been there, done that, pissed off the Christians. That's not what we want to do this time.

DIRECTOR: So what kind of stuff do Christians like?

PRODUCER: That's why I called this meeting, for God's sake. I don't know any Christians. Do you?

DIRECTOR: My parents' neighbors in Omaha go to church.

PRODUCER: Good. Now we're getting somewhere. What do they like?

DIRECTOR: Oh, you know. The Left Behind crap.

PRODUCER: Don't call it crap. We're trying to make nice here. (noting) Left Behind crap (erasing). OK. Books. That's a good place to start. What other books are Christians reading?

DIRECTOR: Well, the Da Vinci Code is all about Catholicism and that's selling like lattes in Seattle.

PRODUCER (noting): Da Vinci Code, Catholicism. OK. Let's see what we've got so far: end of the world, Catholics, puzzles. Where can we go from here?

DIRECTOR: I've got it. It's almost the end of the world. And there's this nun -- that's your Catholic angle -- and a physicist who doesn't believe in God just yet -- that's your values angle -- and there are all kinds of signs that they go chasing around the world after.

PRODUCER: Good. Good. Let's run with this. Isn't there a book in the Bible called Revelations?

DIRECTOR: Yeah.

PRODUCER: That'll be our title.

DIRECTOR: Oh, oh. It was written on the island of Patmos off the coast of Turkey.

PRODUCER (looks at him in awe): Where do you get this stuff?

DIRECTOR: I just remembered somebody saying that when my wife and I were on our Aegean cruise last year.

PRODUCER: Brilliant. Patmos. We'll have Jesus born on Patmos.

DIRECTOR: That'll be expensive.

PRODUCER: Are you kidding? It's cheaper to film in Turkey than in Manhattan. Anyway, we'll just find a dark little Greek church and put some Gregorian chant in the background, lots of ladies in long dark dresses lined up to touch his hand. Give it the spooky, religious flavor.

DIRECTOR: Oh! and we'll have this devil kind of guy quoting Scripture.

PRODUCER: Could work. Better have the nun quote Scripture, too; don't want to piss off the Christians.

DIRECTOR: My writers can't keep up that level of Scripture quoting. They'd have to read the Bible.

PRODUCER: OK. Have the physicist tell her to can it in the first episode.

DIRECTOR: We can do that. I'll get a couple of writers together and set up a meeting through your secretary. When do you want to roll it out?

End of transcript.